when all you want to do is go back, the hardest thing to do is move forward.

I got nothing done today.

I say this all the time, but today it is true.

I got nothing done today because there was not even ten minutes that went by when I didn't think about all of my youth group friends who are at Stronghold this weekend.  I was in the library this morning and I knew exactly what they were doing, and I wanted nothing more than to be with them instead of studying for my chemistry midterm.  I was working this afternoon and the entire time, all I could think about was tie-dying and candle-making and river-walking and friendship-braceleting and dance-partying.  I was trying to do homework tonight but could only think about what happens after dinner.  I was trying to brush my teeth a few minutes ago, but purely broke down and started crying in the bathroom cause I wanted to be there with everyone and experience everything that I knew was going on.  This may sound crazy, but I still felt all the emotions I would have, had I been there.  I just want to get back home this coming weekend and see and hug and cry with everyone.

All I'll be doing Sunday night and Monday and basically the rest of this week is creeping on all of the pictures and wall posts and statuses that everyone will be adding to Facebook post-Stronghold.  I just want to know everything that went on.

I obviously struggle with moving on.  I found this quote a little less than a year ago, and I thought it was very true of me:

"When all you want to do is go back, the hardest thing to do is move forward."

I know that I am not meant to be at Stronghold this year.  I've had my five years.  But I just can't figure out how to move on at this point.  I loved Stronghold (and I still do) because it was always that place where I could go and refocus my life and talk about real life issues with friends who loved me and wouldn't judge me.  I loved that friendships just happen at Stronghold.  My friendship with Hadley shot up like 77% percent last year at Stronghold, and I don't even really know how or why, but I just don't question it.

I think right now I just want to go back to the way things were so badly because I don't know what my life is right now.  Meaning, I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing or what my purpose is here.  I feel like my life is meaningless, and all I do is homework and school stuff.  I need a cure for my common life, and Stronghold was always such a refresher in my life, and I don't get that this year.

I wish I could say I have a solution, because after all of that, I feel like this is the place where I insert my plan of what I am going to do to change everything, but I just do not know.  I do not know what to do.  I want to really be okay that my Stronghold years are over.  I tell myself that I'm okay with it, but my heart just isn't.  I want to feel alive and like I'm living and actually doing something productive with my life.  But the only things I can focus on are moments like these...

 

and other ones that didn't get documented.  I am glad that spring break is next week and I'll have ten days to hear all about Stronghold from my friends, and especially the seniors, who I hope embraced the lasts of Stronghold.  

I love Stronghold.