My March Moments

I do not know where March went... but I want it back.

is this real (young) life?

I was a leader at my first Young Life club tonight.  Weird.
I've been going back and forth a lot recently thinking about whether or not this is really right for me.  If I am meant to be a Young Life leader at this point in my life.  If I honestly have the time to devote to this the way that I should.

Club was so great and such a crazy experience, but it was weird for me not being in the Sletten basement.  After club tonight, I feel like this is right.  I feel like God was trying to make me see that this was right all along, but it took family club number one tonight to really reassure me that this is right, this is good.  I know how much time management and effort I will need to put into my life so that there's time for Young Life, but after all of this, I am willing to do whatever it takes.  I'm signing my life away to Young Life, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Everything about family club tonight was great.  I loved club.  Even though it wasn't perfect and we didn't have 50 people there and I was sick, it was still great.  I don't even know all of the kids that were there, but I already love them.  I'm also completely obsessed with the Young Life Des Moines team.  Every single person there is so great and I am honored to be able to be a part of all of this and work with them.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity that we've had as a team to bring this idea to real life and show it to Des Moines.  I really hope that the parents and community, and most importantly the kids, support us and welcome us and embrace everything that Young Life is and can be.  I can't wait until next Monday for our second family club.  It's gonna be crazy.  And I'm crazy in love.

founders and friends

I love being in Delta Gamma.  All of the girls in my chapter are so amazing and great, but I wish I could meet our founders.  I want to know Eva, Anna, and Mary and talk to them.  I want to know what they would think of all of the chapters today.  I wonder, if they were first-years at Drake, would they get a DG bid on Bid Day?  I want to know a lot about what Delta Gamma was for them.  I just want to know them.  But in any case, we celebrate them and Delta Gamma on Founders Day by going to a fancy place with our fancy alumni to eat fancy food and take fancy pictures.  

I got to sit next to and talk to an alumna who was a DG at SMU and got to live in a house shaped like an anchor.  So cool.

Then, our pledge class went to Kathleen's house for a 2010 Pledge Class Sleepover.  It was so great for all of us to be together and hang out and talk and eat and laugh and be in the same place for a while.  I loved playing extreme pingpong with Kathleen, Sarah, Yvette, Ann, and Clare.  I loved painting our pledge class gift with SO many people.

I loved watching people dance like idiots in front of the TV.  I loved talking before we fell asleep.  I love that we tried to fit four girls on a twin bed.

I love my Delta Gamma sisters.

FRIIIIIIIIDAY FRIIIIIIIIIDAY!

I like Fridays just about as much as Rebecca Black does.  They're real great.
This fine Friday just happened to be Relay for Life.  We had Relay in Peoria, but it was never big at Richwoods.  My friend Kelly from Chicago was super involved and one of the co-presidents for Relay for her high school a couple years ago.  I knew people loved it, but I never really knew how amazing it was.
Yvette and I showed up at the Knapp Center at 8 for our shift, and it was so cool to see so many people, especially DGs, walking around the track and putting on cancer awareness ribbons and watching crazy magicians/jugglers.  I loved the atmosphere in the gym and that there were so many people there fighting for a cure for cancer.  It was a lot to take in, but here's some of my favorite parts and favorite pictures.

- Hanging out and walking with my DG sisters.
- Watching the dance team and seeking out my competition
- Taking pictures

- Walking with Yvette and all of her ribbons
- Losing at basketball knockout
- The luminaria cermony
- Walking and holding hands with these great friends

- And this next picture..... :)

"life is about change, whether you like it or not"

I think I'm growing to like change.  It used to really freak me out and make me antsy and super nervv.
Today, I signed up for my room and roommates for next year.  It was a huge ordeal with so much drama going on all over campus with people being dropped from groups or just not having anyone to room with.  I was lucky enough to jump in a group with three other DGs, and I could not be more excited.  I'm not really close with these three, but I think that's what I am excited for.  I want to become more involved in DG and get closer with my pledge class, and I think this will be a great step.  I'm excited for the opportunities and memories that lie ahead for the four of us, and the chance we have to build amazing friendships and strengthen our sisterhood.  I'm ready to move out of Morehouse, and switch it up in GK next year.  Change is exhilarating.
So after room selection, I headed straight for the library to finish a 4 page book review and study for my accounting test, both of which were due Thursday.  I really truly struggle to focus on one task for a long time, especially when it's something I do not want to do, for example a book review on a novel I despised.  Yvette and I are really good at procrastinating and lying for no reason.  Michelle and I are really good and just generally getting nothing done.  So we were in the library "working" on our papers until the security guard rudely told us we had to leave because the library was closing.  Then we relocated to Morehouse, where we made a sweet video that's sure to go viral within the hour.  I finally finished my paper at 2:30 AM and then studied accounting for 45 minutes before passing out in my bed. Needless to say, I have not been successful at breaking my worst habit: procrastination.

marathon monday.

Phew.
After my week off for spring break, I came back to Drake, and forgot how long and tiring and never-ending my Mondays are.  I have class, class, lunch, lab-prep homework, lab, lab report, CAPS, dinner, Young Life.  I leave my room at 7:55 AM, and I'm not in my room for more than a half hour again until I get back from Young Life, usually around 9:30 PM.  In case you were wondering, that's exhausting.

But today had a few exciting moments, even in the non-stop schedule.  At Young Life, we planned for our first family club next Monday.  It came up so quick, and made me realize how fast this whole YL group has come together and actually started something.  We planned mixers and skits and songs and talks, which made it SO REAL.  Like... we have club next Monday... and I'm not going to be in the audience this time.  I'll have to write about this later because I still can't completely grasp it, but I'm both nervous and excited to have this opportunity to be leading a portion of club.

I'm so proud of this group of people, plus more, that have just poured everything they had into this cause and really made it come to life.  We are definitely still in the developing stage, and will be for a while, but it is just beyond exhilarating to see our hard work actually produce something.
Today I also remembered that I'm at college (obvi), and I have a mailbox.  So on my way out the door, I ran upstairs and opened my little box to find...

a birthday card, a paycheck, and a letter. YAY MAIL!  I get abnormally excited about mail.  I like it because I know that letter-writing is a dying art, and I like to keep it alive.  I also just like feeling cool and like a grown-up, getting mail in my own mailbox.  The letter was from Shmemily (potential nickname Emily?).  YAY!  She's the second reply I've received (Morgan was first :)) from the letters I sent out to my puppies.  I loved it.  She's so great.  The letter was on purple paper and had the world's longest PS section.  The letter was so full of love and so full of Emily, it was like I was right there talking to her.  This is a new theme in my life.  I keep wishing that I could just be with people, usually people far away, because I just want to sit on the floor and talk to them about life.  I just want to be in the same place as everyone I love and care so much about, but that's not practical.  I'm learning to accept that there's some reason why I'm not with the people I'm not with and that I am with the people I am with.  That made a lot more sense in my head, but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say.
Marathon Mondays work me to the bone, but I still love them like crazy.

"you didn't blog after you left me?"

I like friends.
I like hanging out with Alyssa and drawing on her mirror and talking about real life and laughing at my ridiculous life events and reminiscing about old memories and freaking out about the future and talking about life after Stronghold.  I love this girl and I'm so thankful that church brought us together so long ago. And as much as I hate it for her, I'm glad her years at Stronghold are done so that I have someone who's in the same position as me and understands exactly what I'm saying.  Alyss- sorry for not blogging right after our hangout sesh :)

After dinner, I got to hang out with some of my presh high school youth group girls at the movie theater.  We saw a strangely creepy movie, but the crazy people's commentary behind us made the movie totally worthwhile.  Even though we didn't really get a chance to talk about life and things, I just really like being with these girls.  They're so beautiful and capable and talented and I  am thankful for the opportunities I get to be with them.  They're great.

Quotes of the day

"I sang this in a 4th grade talent show."
"and no more kiddie doctors! yaaay! you're a grown up now!"
"oh sar...the world of emoicons or whatever is awesome."
"She wears 2 sizes smaller than me... you can find me on the treadmill the rest of my life."
"most mornings i don't even bother with jeans."
"I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING IMPORTANT ABOUT TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
"One year closer that makes dating a 20 something THAT much more acceptable!"

my friends are hilarious.  they're all just so darn quotable.

129 and counting

I like birthdays.  I've had 129 people (according to Facebook) write on my wall wishing me a great day.  I love reading them.  I really like it when people are creative and don't just simply say "happy birthday." because that's boring, and I generally like to think I'm not that boring.
So I went to the St. Patrick's Day Parade for the first time ever, and unfortunately left my camera at home.  It's really such a shame because there were some people downtown today who really should have been documented.  So hilarious.  But all is well because I got to hang out with Natalie and eat Qdoba queso and bake Funfetti cupcakes and see Summer and her girls.  Then I headed out to pick up Michelle from school, and pulled in the parking lot as Alyssa was running after me with a giant pink polka dot bag in her hand with me, which happened to house my new best friend, an Ariel tie blanket. SO GREAT!!

Then later on, Hadley and Maggie showed up at my front door with hugs and goodies from Starbucks.  They're great friends.  I love house visitors; like more than normal people do.

Then my family and I went out for dinner.  I'm glad I got to be home and have a relaxing day on my birthday.
I still wish I was eight and could have a gymnastics birthday party at River City.  That'd be swell.

12 Successes of the Day.

1.  I got out of bed at 7:30 this morning and took Michelle to school.
2.  I was up early enough to eat breakfast and lunch as two separate meals.
3.  I went to Panera to do homework/reply to a message.
4.  I worked out.
5.  I showered.
6.  I returned Alyssa's soccer pants without any form of separation anxiety.
7.  I chauffeured Michelle from school to home to tennis and back home.
8.  I did Hadley's chemistry homework for her.
9.  I avoided the sassy salesman at Verizon.
10.  I had a dinner date with my lovely sister.

11.  I made Maureen's picture of the day for the 30 day photo challenge.
12.  I made it all day without taking a nap.

Home is where...

I like being home.  I like going to Target and actually knowing where everything is.  I like driving around and remembering things.  I like being with people I love in real life.  I like not having to Skype my sister to see her.  I like picking up my sister from school.  I like that I can blog whenever I want.  I like showering without wearing flip flops.  I like eating dinner with my family.  I like lounging around and watching television, even when my house is freezing cold.

This is just a perfect break from school and it came at a great time.  I needed to get away from Drake and dumb stuff there and de-stress after midterms.  I've been able to see friends the weekend after Stronghold and hear about everything while it's still fresh in their mind.  I got to go to church and sit with my family and feel home.  For a long time, especially in high school, I hated Peoria because "there's nothing to do," but now I get really excited when I take the exit onto War Memorial Dr. and know that I'm home.

puppies.

Shauna Niequist is a really great writer.  Her book Cold Tangerines is one of my all time favorites.
"I was so sad one night just after we moved to Grand Rapids, and I was trying to find the words to tell Aaron how I was feeling, and this was the only way I could describe it: when I lived in Santa Barbara, my friends had a Jack Russell terrier named Little, and when Little had puppies, I helped take care of them.  There were six of them in a cardboard box, and they huddled together to keep each other warm, and they didn't want to be held, even if you held them very tight, because really they just wanted to be back in the box with the other puppies.  I told Aaron that I felt like someone took me out of the box, and all I wanted was to be back with the rest of the little puppies who kept me warm."

All through high school, I loved having groups through Young Life Campaigners, Camp Tecumseh cabins, and little Youth Group circles where adults that I loved and idolized took a bunch of crazy high school girls under their wings and into their hearts and cared and loved us.  I learned so much from them, and loved living life with them and the other puppies in our box.  One of my favorite parts of coming home for a weekend or for a break is seeing those women who have become my role models, and even though I'm at Drake and not in Young Life or Youth Group anymore, they still genuinely care and want to know about me and how I'm doing.  I am so thankful for them.

My whole life, I've always been the little puppy.  It wasn't until a couple months ago when one of my puppy moms introduced the idea of each of her puppies having puppies of their own.  My first reaction was disappointment because I didn't have a campaigners group or cabin full of girls to call my own.  But then I really thought about it, and names and faces kept popping into my head.  Michelle, Alexis, Morgan, Danielle, Caitlin, Emily, Alyssa, Hanna, Caleigh, Christina, Megan, Kassidy, Abby, Hadley.  So maybe we're not an organized group that meets every Monday at 8:30, but these girls mean so much to me.  They probaby don't even know, but I'm purely obsessed with them.  If I could, and I definitely contemplate it, I would live every moment of every day with these girls.  I care about everything they do and wish that I had all the time in the world to talk to each of them everyday about how they really are and what's on their heart.  I want to support them and love them and live life with them.

(I don't have a picture of them all, but here's some)

So, since that's not really practical, I did the next best thing.  I wrote them letters.

I hope they all realize that I poured my heart into each letter.  I hope they all know that I love them and care about them more than they know.  I hope they believe me when I say that I am and will always be here for them, no matter the time, and I do and will always love them, no matter what they do.  They're so great and beautiful and have immeasurable potential, and I can only hope that our relationships continue through their high school and college years.  I love you all, girls.

"They taught me more than I ever taught them, and they gave me more than I ever gave them, and the best things they gave to me were ten gorgeous examples and all the permission in the world to love with that wide-open love, unmeasured and uncalculated, like a puppy in a box with all of her puppy-friends, right up close to them, feeling warm and safe."

words.

Some of the best words for this season of my life from people I don't know:
"It's like the best days under the sun, every emotion rolled into one."
"Tears are words the heart can't express."
"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."
"Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action."
"Words are the voice of the heart."
"Having somebody help you doesn't mean that you failed, it just means you're not in it alone."
"can i sail through the changing ocean tides? can i handle the seasons of my life?"


Some of the best words from this week from people I know in real life:
"I love you from the bottom of the ocean to over the moon.  God bless you and all you do."
"...so know that you are someone i cant imagine my life without"
"Even though you weren't there in person, i wanted you to know you were definitely there in spirit."
"Crying in connie cassidy's class while reading your blog. BIGGEST CHECK MARK OF LIFE."

"You mean so much to me there will never be enough words that will fully be able to explain it. I love that we can have a conversation for over an hour and a half and i can tell you everything, even when it doesnt always make sense."

"I treasure our friendship and you so so much. I love you and always will."

"Life has a way of happening whether or not we want it to."
"Always remember to not to let decisions make themselves, but be an active participant in your life. Life is short and we should always be ready and enjoy the hell out of each and every moment we have."
"I have been paying attention/creeping on your Facebook..."
"Write me back and tell me about how your year has been."
"I can picture you sitting there in panera listening on your phone and smiling while crying. i'm picturing you in a booth by the window." 
"I wish we were closer so i could just show up at your house for an afternoon."


Words make me cry.  I'm crying now.

"Nobody understands."

FFC youth group got back from Stronghold this afternoon.  I got 3 calls once they got their phones back on the bus.  Those three phone calls, along with one more and a Skype call later on, made my day.  I felt so special that they still wanted to call me and tell me about everything even though I couldn't be there.  I loved that Hadley had the entire bus say hi to me.  I loved that Michelle was getting journals taken away from her cause she was talking to me and not writing.  I loved that Alyssa was still crying and that she handed the phone to Matt to talk to me as a surprise.  I was so glad to catch them such a short time after leaving Stronghold so that they all still had that Stronghold attitude going.  I felt so blessed that they called me that I literally broke down crying once Hadley had everyone say hi to me, and didn't stop until a couple minutes after hanging up with Matt.

Once they were home, Michelle and Alyssa Skyped me and gave me a quick run-down of the first day before I had to go to a group project meeting.  They were still so Stronghold, and I loved seeing that in both of them.

After chapter, I talked to Hadley on the phone, and we cried together, each cuddled up on our own bed, on the phone for over an hour.  I loved this.  I loved hearing how Stronghold was different, but still so much the same.  I literally can not get over her honesty.  I just love it and it is so refreshing all the time.  Even with things about Stronghold, where there are serious emotions flowing, I was thankful that she let it all out.  We cried about promises and experiences and words and conversations and hugs and crying and lasts and the past and the future and her being a senior next year.  She thinks she's not ready and that she won't do well, but I just wish she knew the potential I see in her.  I am so certain that she will make her senior Stronghold exactly what it should be.  It's a scary thing for sure, but she's grown so much, even since last March, that I am confident in her as a leader of FFCYG.

Hadley said it so simply, but so correctly, "Nobody understands."

It's too true.  Unless you've been there with FFC, you can not understand all that Stronghold is.  And that is so frustrating, especially when you come back and want to be different from before and want everything to be as great at home as it was at Stronghold.  I don't know the answer or the best solution to this, but I think the fact that it is so different is what makes it so special.

I was listening to my Stronghold playlist today, and for the first time, realized how great these lyrics are.

it's like the best days under the sun every emotion rolled into one.

a little of this a little of that,

kinda happy, kinda sad.

oh man, we were living 

going crazy in the kitchen, 

we danced and screamed and held each other tight.

we laughed until we cried.

when all you want to do is go back, the hardest thing to do is move forward.

I got nothing done today.

I say this all the time, but today it is true.

I got nothing done today because there was not even ten minutes that went by when I didn't think about all of my youth group friends who are at Stronghold this weekend.  I was in the library this morning and I knew exactly what they were doing, and I wanted nothing more than to be with them instead of studying for my chemistry midterm.  I was working this afternoon and the entire time, all I could think about was tie-dying and candle-making and river-walking and friendship-braceleting and dance-partying.  I was trying to do homework tonight but could only think about what happens after dinner.  I was trying to brush my teeth a few minutes ago, but purely broke down and started crying in the bathroom cause I wanted to be there with everyone and experience everything that I knew was going on.  This may sound crazy, but I still felt all the emotions I would have, had I been there.  I just want to get back home this coming weekend and see and hug and cry with everyone.

All I'll be doing Sunday night and Monday and basically the rest of this week is creeping on all of the pictures and wall posts and statuses that everyone will be adding to Facebook post-Stronghold.  I just want to know everything that went on.

I obviously struggle with moving on.  I found this quote a little less than a year ago, and I thought it was very true of me:

"When all you want to do is go back, the hardest thing to do is move forward."

I know that I am not meant to be at Stronghold this year.  I've had my five years.  But I just can't figure out how to move on at this point.  I loved Stronghold (and I still do) because it was always that place where I could go and refocus my life and talk about real life issues with friends who loved me and wouldn't judge me.  I loved that friendships just happen at Stronghold.  My friendship with Hadley shot up like 77% percent last year at Stronghold, and I don't even really know how or why, but I just don't question it.

I think right now I just want to go back to the way things were so badly because I don't know what my life is right now.  Meaning, I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing or what my purpose is here.  I feel like my life is meaningless, and all I do is homework and school stuff.  I need a cure for my common life, and Stronghold was always such a refresher in my life, and I don't get that this year.

I wish I could say I have a solution, because after all of that, I feel like this is the place where I insert my plan of what I am going to do to change everything, but I just do not know.  I do not know what to do.  I want to really be okay that my Stronghold years are over.  I tell myself that I'm okay with it, but my heart just isn't.  I want to feel alive and like I'm living and actually doing something productive with my life.  But the only things I can focus on are moments like these...

 

and other ones that didn't get documented.  I am glad that spring break is next week and I'll have ten days to hear all about Stronghold from my friends, and especially the seniors, who I hope embraced the lasts of Stronghold.  

I love Stronghold.

Stress + Skype = Smiles

Today my stress level finally went down.  I've had so many tests and essays and group projects and lab reports over the past month that I can honestly say I have not been myself since about the middle of February.  I hate being stressed and I hate what it does to me.  I shut out everything that I really love about my life, like friends, working out, watching Glee, reading non-school books, blogging, and just work my butt off doing whichever assignment is due next.  I run myself so hard that I start falling asleep in class and never being able to focus for more than fifteen minutes.  I know this is unhealthy, but I'm still working on a normal way to deal with stress.  

Another awful side effect of being stressed is that I feel like I have literally no emotion.  I would see or hear things that usually cause me to break down, and they would have no effect on me.  It was so strange, and I didn't like it at all.  It took something that Hadley wrote about our friendship to break down the stone walls of stress that were blocking my heart out.  I love Hadley so much and I am thankful for our friendship every time we get to talk.  Just like all of my other friendships, it's been nothing but struggles to keep our friendship paddle boats moving along side each other, and not drifting away.  She'll be headed off to Stronghold tomorrow, and I know that she will be an amazing leader and friend and ball of fun as a junior, while also learning tons from the seniors.   My entire weekend will be consumed with thoughts of all of my friends at Stronghold.  

Today, after my test, I got to Skype with Hadley.

I hate that I have to schedule her in, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  I love her and the fact that she's so honest about life.  She plays no games with me and I always know what's on her mind and on her heart.  I really cherish that about our friendship.  

Then after class and dinner, I got to Skype with muh gurl Michelle.  I like her bubbly-ness and the hilarious faces she makes when "someone" smells not exactly like a dozen roses.   

Then we had a photo shoot...

She's so presh and I love her heart and that she always has it in the right place.  We did some solid chemistry homework together and she forgot to show me her Stronghold buddy gifts.  I'm excited for the opportunities that Stronghold holds for her this year.  She's so amazing, and I wish she believed that.  

There's nothing about friendship I love more than a real live face-to-face heart-to-hearts, but since that's not really practical for us, I'm thankful for the invention of Skype.